Dear Liam,

 

The way home was a lot more expensive then I thought, I had to pay to get from the airport in Toronto to the bus terminal, because I could not use public transportation with my heavy luggage. Lucky for me I just made the bus to Ottawa or I would have had to wait 3 more hours, the only thing was that I didn't have anything to eat so I was quite hungry on the way home. I was in and out of sleep the entire bus ride. It was such a grueling stretch to get to Ottawa after an 8 hour plane ride. When I arrived, I had to pay for taxi to get to my moms place where she was waiting for me outside the door. It was nice to see her, nice to be somewhere safe and comfortable, but what I could not get around my head was the fact that I was staying in Ottawa, the fact that I was not going anywhere or currently had no plans scared me. The only thing that is currently making feel slightly better is the hope that he will come but it's not something I want to hang onto with the way we left things. Now I'm thinking despite the possibility of future hope, that maybe it's not a bad idea just to help me get through the days.

I woke up earlier then I expected this morning, I had to count the time backwards because my laptop and phone are still on Dutch/Euro time. I can still hear my Uncle and grandmother talking, but I didn't feel quite ready to face them. My mom also told me that she is having a family dinner on Sunday. I guess I need to get over the anxiety of seeing everyone, one of the things I want to work at when I start therapy, hopefully soon. The pain I'm feeling being away from him and the Netherlands is crushing, but I have to remind myself that life over there was not good and not healthy. No matter, what it's still very difficult for me to adjust. Alex called me on my way home, a reminder that I need to get back in touch with people here.
I'm a bit scared to see if he has emailed me or not, but I guess I will find out soon...