Dear Liam,

I scored a major interview next month, despite my work woes I am beginning to believe that everything happens for a reason. I really hope I get this job, its exactly what I need at the moment a chance to settle down and tavel at the same time.

Dear Liam,

When I think of all the traumas I have been through the last year especially, I am amazed at how strong I have become as a person. I am also amazed at my determination. I am often all doom and gloom on myself, but I am learning to look past this and keeping myself looking forward. The only problem is that I seem to have too many ideas, too many things I want to do it makes it hard to concentrate. I want to practice guitar, work on my photography portfolio, work on my travel blog, look for work, figure out my future...there are just not enough hours in the day! I wish I could get myself to focus on one thing...but its hard...
Liam, was I this way when we were kids? Or did it develop overtime?

Dear Liam,

It has been a long time since I last wrote to you, and as usual a lot has happened. I managed to get my life back on track over the summer, I got an incredible job, started seeing a guy and spending a lot of time with friends. I went away to Africa for my job, then everything seemed to fall apart again. I got involved in a relationship I shouldnt have and had a lot of trouble with a colleague of mine for which I ended up taking the hard fall. Now I feel like I am back to square one, no guy, no job...
I have learned some new lessons, some hard lessons...I want to break the cycle...the cycle that I always find myself in especially when it comes to men. I am trying to think before I do anything instead of acting impulsively I am also staying away from getting involved with anybody or even looking.
So now I am rebuilding again, but I am optimistic, when you are already down there is nowhere to go but up. things are bad right now, but as we know life goes up and down.

Your friend always,

Jennifer

Dear Liam,

Things right now are kind of at a standstill, I was suppose to hear back for that great job on Friday, but nothing yet. Maybe they are waiting for my criminal check to come through? I guess i've partially started to accept the fact that it may not have worked out. I still have the other job option, I just hope that it all works out in the end. I really want to go to India this summer and I'm contemplating going back to the Netherlands next month. At least for a week, although I thought of doing that if I got that good job seeing as I would be away for 3 months overseas, I thought it would be the only time I might see him. If that good job did work out by some miracle It would definitely mark the end of his plans of possibly moving to Canada as I would be working overseas. It's still hard to deal with it all some days I feel great and strong and other days I feel week especially when I see that he's friended girls on facebook and I have no idea who they are or what they are all about. I guess I have this fear that he'll move onto someone else right away just like my ex. I wish i knew what was happening with me work wise, at least that way I could know what the next step in my life is...

Tomorrow I'm suppose to meet up with an old friend of mine (with benefits), I wanted to just have dinner with him, but I think he has other plans. He's definitely the kind of person you would call for a booty call, I mean Know what I'm getting myself into, I just wish he was a bit more subtle!! I guess after over a month away from him, I kind of need a bit of TLC. I know it's not healthy, but it's a nice distraction, I'm single anyway.

Dear Liam,

Sometimes I think I miss Leiden more then I miss him, other times like now it's equal.
I wish I could just get on a plane and be with him, even though I know he wouldn't do it for me. I guess I just have to remind myself of that when I get these crazy urges.

Dear Liam,

I really hate these moments of weakness...most of the time I'm strong when it comes to him and there are other times where I feel week. He finally responded to the last message we exchanged after two weeks, I don't know what to say, but I know I'm not responding right now. I'm tired of being weak to him, and him always having the upper hand in everything that goes on between us. I saw pictures that he posted online of a party he went to, and he was posing with this one girl a lot she wasn't really attractive or anything, but it was hard to see. I was wishing I was there, but at the same time the level of drama that was going on in the Netherlands was unreal. It's much easier to deal with things at home, then the daily suffocating pain I was going through there. I still wish he would ultimately decide to choose for us, but I can't put my hope in that. I'm slowly getting over the situation, but it's going to take some time especially when memories and photographs bring me back. It's hard to deal with this when I still have to deal with getting over my other ex, although I've come a long way the wound isn't fully sealed yet. Things kind of were reopened with me coming back to Ottawa, It's strange knowing we are in the same city.

On another note, this last week has been so draining with work and training, plus my interview in Toronto. Everything went well know I just have to pass the drug test and medical. I'm a bit concerned because I last smoked up about 6 weeks ago when I was in Holland, but I think it's been long enough and that I'm safe. After that, I basically need to just wait for a call. Next Tuesday I'm going to have another phone interview with the other airline I've been dealing with. I'm suppose to find out by the end of the week if I'm in or not. Training is suppose to start the first or second week of April. I hope I get this one because with the other airline training isn't till May, that's a long way away! I'm anxious to get things going!

Liam, wish me luck!

Dear Liam,

I hate that my mom treats me like  I'm incompetent.

Dear Liam,

I went out to dinner with my best friend tonight it was great, then I decided to meet up with some guy off the net. I haven't met anybody off the internet in years. Turns out the guy was a total weirdo! I'll definitely be more careful next time.

All I could think about was him...no matter how much he's hurt me it's hard to get over him. I can't just turn my feelings off...

Dear Liam,

I took this picture while I was in Italy, I love it very much.

Dear Liam,

My interview today with the agency went well, I even finally heard back from that big flight attendant job that I initially wanted where I would be living abroad.
Yesterday was St Patrick's day, I missed Dublin a lot, but I had a good time. I went out to a club with some friends, the only thing was I felt so old. I know I look young but, the people in there were like 19-22, I just felt so past that party phase. Even the music or some drinks couldn't completely let me loose, I didn't even pay attention to any of the boys in there. I guess a relationship is sort of the last thing on my mind, but I do hope I find that amazing guy sometime soon...

Dear Liam,

Sometimes I want to believe there is a God, I mean I don't believe that there isn't one but I don't believe that there is one, but today was a miracle. Just when I was feeling so low and worried about paying my bills I got a job offer, it's temporary 2-4 weeks, but it's money for now to do whatever it is I need to do. Then after that I got even bigger news, I have a job interview in Toronto to be a flight attendant. I want this job so badly not only will it allow me to travel, but then I can move to Toronto as well. The training would not start till may which is great, because then I can work the 4 weeks here then just go into the other job, it's working out perfectly. Of course I don't want to get my hopes too high up, but it's hard not to. I'm definitely going into this interview prepared and with guns blazing!!
I feel so hopeful!

Dear Liam,

Poetry time...or just words as I like to call them.

I'm so messed up over you
my whole world untrue
You don't see or feel the pain
I am going through
because you no longer want to
let me in
I think about you but
I don't want to
how many tears have I
cried over you
a river of sadness
the heat of the pain
I can no longer bare
I'm so scared

Dear Liam,

Beautiful Leiden, I miss it so much, but I guess I should be thankful for the time I spent there.

Dear Liam,

I can't for the life of me think of what I did to him that was so bad.

Dear Liam,

I went to Yoga last Monday and it felt great, I wish I could go again, but we all know I'm strapped for cash these days.

Dear Liam,

How could I have lost myself in someone so heartless?


I'd like to dedicate this to my ex:

Heartless lyrics
Kanye West

In the night I hear 'em talk, the coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road he lost his soul
To a woman so heartless
How could you be so heartless?
How could you be so heartless?

How could you be so cold?
As the winter wind when it breeze yo
Just remember that you talkin' to me though
You need to watch the way you talkin' to me though

I mean after all the things that we've been through
I mean after all the things we got into
Hey yo, I know of some things that you ain't told me
Hey yo, I did some things but that's the old me

And now you wanna get me back and you gon' show me
So you walk around like you don't know me
You got a new friend, well I got homies
But in the end it's still so lonely

In the night I hear 'em talk, the coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road he lost his soul
To a woman so heartless
How could you be so heartless?
How could you be so heartless?

How could be so Dr. Evil?
You're bringin' out a side of me that I don't know
I decided we wasn't goin' speak so
Why we up 3 a.m. on the phone?

[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/k/kanye-west-lyrics/heartless-lyrics.html]
Why does she be so mad at me for?
Homie, I don't know, she's hot and cold
I won't stop, won't mess my groove up
'Cause I already know how this thing go

You run and tell your friends that you're leavin' me
They say that they don't see what you see in me
You wait a couple months then you gon' see
You'll never find nobody better than me

In the night I hear 'em talk, the coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road he lost his soul
To a woman so heartless
How could you be so heartless?
How could you be so heartless?

Talkin', talkin', talkin' talk
Baby let's just knock it off
They don't know what we been through
They don't know 'bout me and you

So I got somethin' new to see
And you just gon' keep hatin' me
And we just gon' be enemies

I know you can't believe
I could just leave it wrong
And you can't make it right
I'm gon' take off tonight
Into the night

In the night I hear 'em talk, the coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road he lost his soul
To a woman so heartless
How could you be so heartless?
How could you be so heartless?