Dear Liam,

The last 48 hours have been an emotional whirlwind.
I've been shaking and having mini panic attacks since yesterday.
The thought of leaving Holland and him and going back home was something that was overwhelming, but I also know that staying in Holland in our current situation was also not an option.  He to me was seeming cold and unemotional the last couple of weeks in comparison to myself, crying about everything that's happened to me and our relationship the last 8 months.
He and I went out for pancakes for our final dinner, I could hardly eat, I'd barely had an appetite since I purchased my plane ticket back home.
I forced he conversation with him about our relationship, he made it clear that right now he doesn't have faith in us, therefore he's unable to sacrifice and that he doesn't want to make any commitments to me. We've both hurt each other so much, but seeing how badly things have gotten and how detached he now was from he was a hard truth to swallow, one that I am still battling with. It's hard to take in that information especially when he speaks in a very matter a fact tone, seemingly unemotional, but I also know it's him being defensive. It's hard for me as I was really wanting him to come to Canada and to give us a chance in a healthy environment, that we could take the lessons that we learned and then start fresh. The problem is he doesn't believe anything until he sees it, he's not really a person of faith and hope but more of cold hard evidence and facts and for him the evidence is how we haven't been getting along. I tried to bring forward a different mind set for him, but he constantly rejected it stating to what he thinks is his truth as he sees it. When we got home from dinner the conversation continued, again he said he didn't want to give me hope for the future, that if he did come to Canada it would be when he decided and that he wanted to get his own place and start from scratch again. I told him that I disagreed with him wanting to get his own place, but if that's what it took then I was okay with it, for the sake of us. My problem was that he told me he was not able to sacrifice because things haven't been going well, but at the same time he says he has feelings for me, shouldn't that be enough? I wish it was…
I kept trying to push for us, but was constantly rejected, how much rejection can one person take?

We went to bed separately, as we have been since we 'broke up', I wanted to sleep next to him I just thought it was too difficult because of the emotional connection, but seeing as it was the last night, I wanted to put my best foot forward, but he went to bed without hugging me goodnight for anything on our last night. i asked him about it, and he replied by telling me "it had been so long", I reminded him that it was my last night. I decided that I didn't want to sleep apart so I went up to his bed, I whispered in his ear that I wish he would have faith in us to which he replied "don't try to change me", this comment upset me I went to sleep next to him, but pulling away at the same time. When I woke up this morning Nick tried to cuddle with me, but in my half sleepiness I was still tense from the conversation and his comment the night before and I did not return his affection. I found it hard to take affection from somebody who no longer desires to be with me. My lack of response upset Nick and he bolted out of the bed, I got up about 10 minutes after him, and got ready, I was unable to eat my breakfast, my stomach was doing flips, my anxiety was at an all-time high. Soon it was time for me to go, I got my suitcases, I tried my best not to cry went we went to hug, but the tears flowed and then Nick started to cry as well. He told me he loved me in Dutch, I whispered that I loved him too, as I was walking away I told him that I was sorry for everything and that I still had hope. I  kept looking back as I walked away heart broken and scared.

Being at the airport was overwhelming, leaving everything behind. As much of a hassle as the last year has been I still enjoyed the general idea of living in the Netherlands, learning the language and a new culture. It would forever be a home to me now and I was sad to see it go, but I knew staying, making no money and living in a cramped bedroom with somebody else was no longer an option for me.
I felt a bit more relaxed, but i still could not get him out f my head. When I got on the plane everything hit me again I felt overwhelmed and emotional until we took off. Now I'm on the bus to Ottawa, I'm still nervous about what lies ahead, part of my wants to prove to Nick that I can get my life together, and that he will come and join me, but I also know that I should not hang onto hope. There's a chance we won't see each other again, that he will decide not to go come. This is a hard thing to even being dealing with. I'm not even sure where our relationship is at, at the moment, should I text or email him? Should I expect something? Will we go back to our skyping days? It's hard to get what the protocol might be. He says he wants to see what will happen when I'm gone if he will feel relived or want to be with me.
As for me I'm only relieved that I am now at home and can work to getting my life back on track but I am not relieved at the situation. Part of me is so angry with him, thinks that I deserve better, but it's hard to let go of him because we are connected, this is something that cannot deny. Right now I'm thinking that it's best for me to have a week free or have very little contact with him. I've got to set my mind to building my life without him, but it's so difficult. I guess this quote rings true, can't live with 'em can't live without 'em.

A new chapter of my life is now beginning…
I can finally end this dream/nightmare