Dear Liam

2011-12-12T12:14:00.001-08:00

Dear Liam,

I scored a major interview next month, despite my work woes I am beginning to believe that everything happens for a reason. I really hope I get this job, its exactly what I need at the moment a chance to settle down and tavel at the same time.

2011-12-09T12:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

When I think of all the traumas I have been through the last year especially, I am amazed at how strong I have become as a person. I am also amazed at my determination. I am often all doom and gloom on myself, but I am learning to look past this and keeping myself looking forward. The only problem is that I seem to have too many ideas, too many things I want to do it makes it hard to concentrate. I want to practice guitar, work on my photography portfolio, work on my travel blog, look for work, figure out my future...there are just not enough hours in the day! I wish I could get myself to focus on one thing...but its hard...
Liam, was I this way when we were kids? Or did it develop overtime?

2011-12-08T16:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

It has been a long time since I last wrote to you, and as usual a lot has happened. I managed to get my life back on track over the summer, I got an incredible job, started seeing a guy and spending a lot of time with friends. I went away to Africa for my job, then everything seemed to fall apart again. I got involved in a relationship I shouldnt have and had a lot of trouble with a colleague of mine for which I ended up taking the hard fall. Now I feel like I am back to square one, no guy, no job...
I have learned some new lessons, some hard lessons...I want to break the cycle...the cycle that I always find myself in especially when it comes to men. I am trying to think before I do anything instead of acting impulsively I am also staying away from getting involved with anybody or even looking.
So now I am rebuilding again, but I am optimistic, when you are already down there is nowhere to go but up. things are bad right now, but as we know life goes up and down.

Your friend always,

Jennifer

2011-04-04T14:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Liam,

Things right now are kind of at a standstill, I was suppose to hear back for that great job on Friday, but nothing yet. Maybe they are waiting for my criminal check to come through? I guess i've partially started to accept the fact that it may not have worked out. I still have the other job option, I just hope that it all works out in the end. I really want to go to India this summer and I'm contemplating going back to the Netherlands next month. At least for a week, although I thought of doing that if I got that good job seeing as I would be away for 3 months overseas, I thought it would be the only time I might see him. If that good job did work out by some miracle It would definitely mark the end of his plans of possibly moving to Canada as I would be working overseas. It's still hard to deal with it all some days I feel great and strong and other days I feel week especially when I see that he's friended girls on facebook and I have no idea who they are or what they are all about. I guess I have this fear that he'll move onto someone else right away just like my ex. I wish i knew what was happening with me work wise, at least that way I could know what the next step in my life is...

Tomorrow I'm suppose to meet up with an old friend of mine (with benefits), I wanted to just have dinner with him, but I think he has other plans. He's definitely the kind of person you would call for a booty call, I mean Know what I'm getting myself into, I just wish he was a bit more subtle!! I guess after over a month away from him, I kind of need a bit of TLC. I know it's not healthy, but it's a nice distraction, I'm single anyway.

2011-03-26T22:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Liam,

Sometimes I think I miss Leiden more then I miss him, other times like now it's equal.
I wish I could just get on a plane and be with him, even though I know he wouldn't do it for me. I guess I just have to remind myself of that when I get these crazy urges.

2011-03-26T22:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Liam,

I really hate these moments of weakness...most of the time I'm strong when it comes to him and there are other times where I feel week. He finally responded to the last message we exchanged after two weeks, I don't know what to say, but I know I'm not responding right now. I'm tired of being weak to him, and him always having the upper hand in everything that goes on between us. I saw pictures that he posted online of a party he went to, and he was posing with this one girl a lot she wasn't really attractive or anything, but it was hard to see. I was wishing I was there, but at the same time the level of drama that was going on in the Netherlands was unreal. It's much easier to deal with things at home, then the daily suffocating pain I was going through there. I still wish he would ultimately decide to choose for us, but I can't put my hope in that. I'm slowly getting over the situation, but it's going to take some time especially when memories and photographs bring me back. It's hard to deal with this when I still have to deal with getting over my other ex, although I've come a long way the wound isn't fully sealed yet. Things kind of were reopened with me coming back to Ottawa, It's strange knowing we are in the same city.

On another note, this last week has been so draining with work and training, plus my interview in Toronto. Everything went well know I just have to pass the drug test and medical. I'm a bit concerned because I last smoked up about 6 weeks ago when I was in Holland, but I think it's been long enough and that I'm safe. After that, I basically need to just wait for a call. Next Tuesday I'm going to have another phone interview with the other airline I've been dealing with. I'm suppose to find out by the end of the week if I'm in or not. Training is suppose to start the first or second week of April. I hope I get this one because with the other airline training isn't till May, that's a long way away! I'm anxious to get things going!

Liam, wish me luck!

2011-03-20T19:46:00.001-07:00

Dear Liam,

I hate that my mom treats me like I'm incompetent.

2011-03-19T23:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Liam,

I went out to dinner with my best friend tonight it was great, then I decided to meet up with some guy off the net. I haven't met anybody off the internet in years. Turns out the guy was a total weirdo! I'll definitely be more careful next time.

All I could think about was him...no matter how much he's hurt me it's hard to get over him. I can't just turn my feelings off...

2011-03-18T16:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Liam,

I took this picture while I was in Italy, I love it very much.

2011-03-18T16:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Liam,

My interview today with the agency went well, I even finally heard back from that big flight attendant job that I initially wanted where I would be living abroad.
Yesterday was St Patrick's day, I missed Dublin a lot, but I had a good time. I went out to a club with some friends, the only thing was I felt so old. I know I look young but, the people in there were like 19-22, I just felt so past that party phase. Even the music or some drinks couldn't completely let me loose, I didn't even pay attention to any of the boys in there. I guess a relationship is sort of the last thing on my mind, but I do hope I find that amazing guy sometime soon...

2011-03-17T13:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Liam,

Sometimes I want to believe there is a God, I mean I don't believe that there isn't one but I don't believe that there is one, but today was a miracle. Just when I was feeling so low and worried about paying my bills I got a job offer, it's temporary 2-4 weeks, but it's money for now to do whatever it is I need to do. Then after that I got even bigger news, I have a job interview in Toronto to be a flight attendant. I want this job so badly not only will it allow me to travel, but then I can move to Toronto as well. The training would not start till may which is great, because then I can work the 4 weeks here then just go into the other job, it's working out perfectly. Of course I don't want to get my hopes too high up, but it's hard not to. I'm definitely going into this interview prepared and with guns blazing!!
I feel so hopeful!

2011-03-17T13:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Liam,

Poetry time...or just words as I like to call them.

I'm so messed up over you
my whole world untrue
You don't see or feel the pain
I am going through
because you no longer want to
let me in
I think about you but
I don't want to
how many tears have I
cried over you
a river of sadness
the heat of the pain
I can no longer bare
I'm so scared

2011-03-17T10:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Liam,

Beautiful Leiden, I miss it so much, but I guess I should be thankful for the time I spent there.

2011-03-17T10:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Liam,

I can't for the life of me think of what I did to him that was so bad.

Dear Liam,

I went to Yoga last Monday and it felt great, I wish I could go again, but we all know I'm strapped for cash these days.

2011-03-17T09:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Liam,

How could I have lost myself in someone so heartless?

I'd like to dedicate this to my ex:

Heartless lyrics
Kanye West

In the night I hear 'em talk, the coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road he lost his soul
To a woman so heartless
How could you be so heartless?
How could you be so heartless?

How could you be so cold?
As the winter wind when it breeze yo
Just remember that you talkin' to me though
You need to watch the way you talkin' to me though

I mean after all the things that we've been through
I mean after all the things we got into
Hey yo, I know of some things that you ain't told me
Hey yo, I did some things but that's the old me

And now you wanna get me back and you gon' show me
So you walk around like you don't know me
You got a new friend, well I got homies
But in the end it's still so lonely

In the night I hear 'em talk, the coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road he lost his soul
To a woman so heartless
How could you be so heartless?
How could you be so heartless?

How could be so Dr. Evil?
You're bringin' out a side of me that I don't know
I decided we wasn't goin' speak so
Why we up 3 a.m. on the phone?

[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/k/kanye-west-lyrics/heartless-lyrics.html]
Why does she be so mad at me for?
Homie, I don't know, she's hot and cold
I won't stop, won't mess my groove up
'Cause I already know how this thing go

You run and tell your friends that you're leavin' me
They say that they don't see what you see in me
You wait a couple months then you gon' see
You'll never find nobody better than me

In the night I hear 'em talk, the coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road he lost his soul
To a woman so heartless
How could you be so heartless?
How could you be so heartless?

Talkin', talkin', talkin' talk
Baby let's just knock it off
They don't know what we been through
They don't know 'bout me and you

So I got somethin' new to see
And you just gon' keep hatin' me
And we just gon' be enemies

I know you can't believe
I could just leave it wrong
And you can't make it right
I'm gon' take off tonight
Into the night

In the night I hear 'em talk, the coldest story ever told
Somewhere far along this road he lost his soul
To a woman so heartless
How could you be so heartless?
How could you be so heartless?

2011-03-17T09:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Liam,

The last few days have been depressing, things here are so up and down but lately it's not going my way.
He hasn't responded to my last message and it's been 3 days, plus I haven't heard back yet from that dream flight attendant job. I know I need to forget him, but it's hard. I have thoughts of going back to the Netherlands, while my visa is still valid I just wish I had some more money at the moment. Sometimes I think I miss the Netherlands more then him, it's like getting ripped out of my environment. I know it might be nice for a few days, but I was even more lost and miserable there. It's hard to let go, and also to digest how much I've screwed up my life. I wish I could find a man, get a job and a place in one shot, but it's going to take some time. I've gone to interviews and gotten phone calls from recruiters for potential jobs, but so far nothing has panned out. I can't stop thinking about The Netherlands in Leiden, but it would be ridiculous to go back there at this point. I just wish I could be everywhere at once, I truly have an addiction to traveling. Right now I feel the need to get out of there, maybe go teach English somewhere in Asia, I just want some fresh experiences.

I'm scared to think a lot of the time because the opposite always seems to happen. I'm worried about hoping, anticipating only to be devastated. I don't know how one person can go through so much in their lives, I just need a break from it all...

I just wish I could be pleasantly surprised and that things would go my way for once...

Anyway Liam, today is St Patrick's day! Judging by your name and your looks, I'm fairly certain you had plenty of Irish in you. I hope you are celebrating, wherever you are.

2011-03-14T21:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Liam,

Did I tell you about the flight attendant job I had a phone interview for? Well I'm still waiting to hear back from them, I'm quit anxious. They said they would call me back for another interview, but not much word since last Thursday. I really need this job, I need to get away from everything at the moment, everything that's been going on with him has been so overwhelming, I'm desperate for new experiences.

Job wise I definitely have some options out there, now I just have to see which one pans out first!
I had an interview last Friday, I think I could have done better but it wasn't bad either I'm suppose to hear something by the end of the week.
Last Saturday I got into a fight with my mother over my things that she had been storing because she 'disorganized' everything I had already organized and sorted. I was tired of 'things' always being the brunt of my problems, I really wish I didn't own much, stuff always seems to be standing in the way. Although if I look at the amount of stuff I've gotten rid of the last year, it's truly an amazing amount, so I have to pat myself on the back a little. Anyway back to my mom, I thought we would stay angry at each other, but things seem to relax pretty quickly so I was relieved about that.

On Saturday night I got an email from him, saying that he was thinking about me. I was quite surprised by the email, but I tried not to make too much out of it, I know that I need to move on and act like I won't seem him again, the way things are now I don't have a choice especially for my well being. We've been replying back and forth since then, nothing too serious, I don't know what to make out of it.

Today I went to Yoga, it was nice to get back in touch with my body, it's like going to a therapy session. I hope to go again, but I have to be careful of my finances.
I haven't been on the ball as I could be of the things I need to handle hear in Ottawa, I hope I make some more progress tomorrow.

Goodnight Liam, wherever you are.

2011-03-10T16:38:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

Sometimes things happen that you can't control, but you have to remember that life goes on and to
make the best of it.

2011-03-10T15:54:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

I feel sick to my stomach…emotionally I'm in pain and my body feels in pain too.
I finally spoke to him after nearly two weeks of not communicating, but clearly that wasn't long enough. I was having a good day, I saw him online and felt the sudden urge to speak to him. I was hoping things had changed, that he had gotten some perspective, but things only seem worse. He was so mean to me, he sees me in such a negative light, he's so negative about everything. I put everything on the line, I begged him and he kept on hurting me over and over. I tired everything to make him see that we were worth saving and he pretty much was refusing to lift a finger. Yet I still couldn't let go no matter how much I was being tortured. I knew I had to stop putting myself out there, but this connection I thought i had, our past how things were kept pushing. He was very snappish towards me, cruel even kept saying over and over why things were not working and that he wanted to do everything his way. How can I deal with someone so selfish?
I use to look up to him, but maybe I just need to see once in for all that he doesn't see the world the way I see it, or the way I think most people would see it. He's stuck in his thoughts and his own little bubble and apparently there's very little I can do about it. I really wanted to give our relationship a try here in Canada, but why should I keep putting energy into somebody that doesn't want to be with me? I knew there was a good chance things would be that way but when it happened it hurt me to my core, I can't stop crying I don't even know how to move on especially when he talks about travelling without me. I just wish he would just try, but he's not, he's given up and that's that. I wish I could let it go, this person he's treated me so horrible and is getting away with it, it's like getting away with murder and then being praised for it. It's also hard to let go of the Netherlands, letting go of him is almost like letting go of there, it's turned into my home. The one things I've changed so much, at least for the better I just wish the relationship had not gotten ruined the process. I need to imagine my life without him, life alone…I haven't done this in so long, I don't even know what to do with myself. I'm scared for my future, i'm upset that I keep ruining everything in my life. I'm also realizing that in the big picture I'm young and at least I'm learning now. Part of me wants to get on the next flight to him, but I can't do that to myself, given the way things are it's not logical. I want to prove that it can work so desperately, I need to let go of that, it's so hard…it's like trying to forget how to breathe.
All he kept doing during our conversation was saying things that he knew would hurt me over and over again why can't i be happy on my own, how i'm pushing him, how maybe we were meant for another lifetime, how maybe we would meet in the future, how he's not willing to sacrifice himself, how he's going to asia (even though i saked him not to bring it up) etc…

I swear he's evil…why should i take anymore punishment from him
he seems to just take offence to the fact that I wanted to be with him so badly…

2011-03-10T15:51:00.001-08:00

Dear Liam,

Things are moving in the right direction.

Today I had a job interview the agency I registered with sounded really enthusiastic about my resume and finding me employment things are definitely picking up steam on that end. I'd really like to find a job as a flight attendant, I've applied to a lot of positions, i just hope somebody gives me a chance.
It's been nice being home, another day and I'm quite pleased and surprised still. I expected the worse, but it's not nearly as bad as I expected, it's nice to have my grandmother here too. I feel like i'm finally getting the chance to spend quality time with her, something I haven't done since I was little.

I've been looking line for the three things I want an apartment, a puppy and a bicycle. Of course I need to get a job first, I hope something will really pick up in the next week or two, I have a lot of faith, so far so good. I'm still resisting urges to speak with him, I can see he is online, but I am keeping myself hidden. I don't want to push him away, but I I still feel like I need a bit more time to myself. I'm not ready to dive into an emotional conversation with him, I've felt so much better since being away from it all. It's also hard to talk to somebody who is no longer wanting to put effort into you. My best hope is that he can see where he's gone wrong, and realize that he misses me....but of course that's just a hope. Things could be completely opposite.

2011-03-10T15:50:00.001-08:00

Dear Liam,

I woke up much earlier then I expected, I heard voices downstairs I recognized them as my grandmother and my Uncle whom I wasn't expecting, my mom was at work. I was apprehensive about going downstairs and seeing everyone again after all this time so I stayed upstairs and kept quiet. After a while i decided to let go of my anxiety and go downstairs where I saw that my uncle was crying, upset about my grandfather's death, it made me extremely sad and teary eyed. I had not seen my grandmother yet because she was out. Soon I heard a ring at the door, it was my aunt with my cousin. It was unexpected, seeing all this family all in one go. I managed to get on the internet on my uncle's laptop I was disappointed not to see anything from him, but I knew he was at his parents. I thought at least he would have texted me or something to see if I landed okay, but nothing. I'm not sure what to make of it, but I was feeling emotional so I sent him a message saying that I missed him and that I was thinking of him. Thoughts of him weighed heavily on my mind, but I was soon distracted by my aunt, he daughter and trying to get the wireless set up which took ages. My grandmother arrived home and it was a full house, I tried not to stress about it and just go without he flow. I allowed myself to just have a lazy relaxed day, but then I really needed to take the steps to get my life back on track. Later on when my mom came from work while I was helping my aunt to put movies on her new Ipad, I got the impression that she might have been slightly jealous by some of the comments she was making. I tried to ignore them, I don't want to have anger towards my mother, I need to accept that she will always do things that will annoy me.
In the evening I got a call from a friend of mine and tomorrow I'm having dinner with another, it's really good to reconnect! I also started looking at job options, but I really need to get into it full force.
I feel as though I'm in limbo between the Netherlands and being in Ottawa, my heart still aches for him, but I also try and remember all the awful things he's done and said to me. The way he treated me when i found out my grandfather died, his over reactions, lack of compassion, not putting me first….his general lack of effort and commitment. The last part I understand, but other things are just not forgivable.

2011-03-10T15:49:00.003-08:00

Dear Liam,

The way home was a lot more expensive then I thought, I had to pay to get from the airport in Toronto to the bus terminal, because I could not use public transportation with my heavy luggage. Lucky for me I just made the bus to Ottawa or I would have had to wait 3 more hours, the only thing was that I didn't have anything to eat so I was quite hungry on the way home. I was in and out of sleep the entire bus ride. It was such a grueling stretch to get to Ottawa after an 8 hour plane ride. When I arrived, I had to pay for taxi to get to my moms place where she was waiting for me outside the door. It was nice to see her, nice to be somewhere safe and comfortable, but what I could not get around my head was the fact that I was staying in Ottawa, the fact that I was not going anywhere or currently had no plans scared me. The only thing that is currently making feel slightly better is the hope that he will come but it's not something I want to hang onto with the way we left things. Now I'm thinking despite the possibility of future hope, that maybe it's not a bad idea just to help me get through the days.

I woke up earlier then I expected this morning, I had to count the time backwards because my laptop and phone are still on Dutch/Euro time. I can still hear my Uncle and grandmother talking, but I didn't feel quite ready to face them. My mom also told me that she is having a family dinner on Sunday. I guess I need to get over the anxiety of seeing everyone, one of the things I want to work at when I start therapy, hopefully soon. The pain I'm feeling being away from him and the Netherlands is crushing, but I have to remind myself that life over there was not good and not healthy. No matter, what it's still very difficult for me to adjust. Alex called me on my way home, a reminder that I need to get back in touch with people here.
I'm a bit scared to see if he has emailed me or not, but I guess I will find out soon...

2011-03-10T15:49:00.001-08:00

Dear Liam,

The last 48 hours have been an emotional whirlwind.
I've been shaking and having mini panic attacks since yesterday.
The thought of leaving Holland and him and going back home was something that was overwhelming, but I also know that staying in Holland in our current situation was also not an option. He to me was seeming cold and unemotional the last couple of weeks in comparison to myself, crying about everything that's happened to me and our relationship the last 8 months.
He and I went out for pancakes for our final dinner, I could hardly eat, I'd barely had an appetite since I purchased my plane ticket back home.
I forced he conversation with him about our relationship, he made it clear that right now he doesn't have faith in us, therefore he's unable to sacrifice and that he doesn't want to make any commitments to me. We've both hurt each other so much, but seeing how badly things have gotten and how detached he now was from he was a hard truth to swallow, one that I am still battling with. It's hard to take in that information especially when he speaks in a very matter a fact tone, seemingly unemotional, but I also know it's him being defensive. It's hard for me as I was really wanting him to come to Canada and to give us a chance in a healthy environment, that we could take the lessons that we learned and then start fresh. The problem is he doesn't believe anything until he sees it, he's not really a person of faith and hope but more of cold hard evidence and facts and for him the evidence is how we haven't been getting along. I tried to bring forward a different mind set for him, but he constantly rejected it stating to what he thinks is his truth as he sees it. When we got home from dinner the conversation continued, again he said he didn't want to give me hope for the future, that if he did come to Canada it would be when he decided and that he wanted to get his own place and start from scratch again. I told him that I disagreed with him wanting to get his own place, but if that's what it took then I was okay with it, for the sake of us. My problem was that he told me he was not able to sacrifice because things haven't been going well, but at the same time he says he has feelings for me, shouldn't that be enough? I wish it was…
I kept trying to push for us, but was constantly rejected, how much rejection can one person take?

We went to bed separately, as we have been since we 'broke up', I wanted to sleep next to him I just thought it was too difficult because of the emotional connection, but seeing as it was the last night, I wanted to put my best foot forward, but he went to bed without hugging me goodnight for anything on our last night. i asked him about it, and he replied by telling me "it had been so long", I reminded him that it was my last night. I decided that I didn't want to sleep apart so I went up to his bed, I whispered in his ear that I wish he would have faith in us to which he replied "don't try to change me", this comment upset me I went to sleep next to him, but pulling away at the same time. When I woke up this morning Nick tried to cuddle with me, but in my half sleepiness I was still tense from the conversation and his comment the night before and I did not return his affection. I found it hard to take affection from somebody who no longer desires to be with me. My lack of response upset Nick and he bolted out of the bed, I got up about 10 minutes after him, and got ready, I was unable to eat my breakfast, my stomach was doing flips, my anxiety was at an all-time high. Soon it was time for me to go, I got my suitcases, I tried my best not to cry went we went to hug, but the tears flowed and then Nick started to cry as well. He told me he loved me in Dutch, I whispered that I loved him too, as I was walking away I told him that I was sorry for everything and that I still had hope. I kept looking back as I walked away heart broken and scared.

Being at the airport was overwhelming, leaving everything behind. As much of a hassle as the last year has been I still enjoyed the general idea of living in the Netherlands, learning the language and a new culture. It would forever be a home to me now and I was sad to see it go, but I knew staying, making no money and living in a cramped bedroom with somebody else was no longer an option for me.
I felt a bit more relaxed, but i still could not get him out f my head. When I got on the plane everything hit me again I felt overwhelmed and emotional until we took off. Now I'm on the bus to Ottawa, I'm still nervous about what lies ahead, part of my wants to prove to Nick that I can get my life together, and that he will come and join me, but I also know that I should not hang onto hope. There's a chance we won't see each other again, that he will decide not to go come. This is a hard thing to even being dealing with. I'm not even sure where our relationship is at, at the moment, should I text or email him? Should I expect something? Will we go back to our skyping days? It's hard to get what the protocol might be. He says he wants to see what will happen when I'm gone if he will feel relived or want to be with me.
As for me I'm only relieved that I am now at home and can work to getting my life back on track but I am not relieved at the situation. Part of me is so angry with him, thinks that I deserve better, but it's hard to let go of him because we are connected, this is something that cannot deny. Right now I'm thinking that it's best for me to have a week free or have very little contact with him. I've got to set my mind to building my life without him, but it's so difficult. I guess this quote rings true, can't live with 'em can't live without 'em.

A new chapter of my life is now beginning…
I can finally end this dream/nightmare

2011-03-10T15:48:00.002-08:00

Dear Liam,

Time is running out...

I spent the day today finishing up some last minute things before leaving, packing, going to the print shop to print out my flight itinerary and unregistering from city hall. He was gone all day today at an exposition in Amsterdam with his sister. My day could have been a little bit more productive, but it's hard when I'm feeling so depressed about everything. I'm going to try and keep my chin up, I need to focus on getting my life back on track.

2011-03-10T15:48:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

It can't get any worse...

How do you know when you've truly hit rock bottom? For me this is definitely it. The last few months of my life have felt like a never ending nightmare. I keep trying to make things better, trying to work hard at being a better person, but life keeps challenging me in unexpected ways. Part of me is grateful for the lessons I have learned but the other part of me feels destroyed by the damage that has been left along the way due to my instability.

At the moment I've got two days left in the Netherlands. I'm ready to move and get out of here, but I'm reluctant, because I don't want to fail. I've hardly got any money left to my name and I have to move in back with my mother in Ottawa. Last year I had an amazing person by my side whom I hurt deeply over and over again, I threw it all away to be with someone whom I hardly knew and thought I was in love with. I moved to Leiden in the Netherlands to be with him after we met in Malaysia. Two weeks after I moved I in with him I could tell that I had made a mistake. I still was determined to make the relationship work, but things got worse. Now he and I are both at our breaking point, too much has gone on between us to ignore. Now I have to leave half my things behind, and start again in Ottawa. I've started this blog in order to keep track of my progess and my motivation going.
t want to fail. I've hardly got any money left to my name and I have to move in back with my mother in Ottawa. Last year I had an amazing person by my side whom I hurt deeply over and over again, I threw it all away to be with someone whom I hardly knew and thought I was in love with. I moved to Leiden in the Netherlands to be with him after we met in Malaysia. Two weeks after I moved I in with him I could tell that I had made a mistake. I still was determined to make the relationship work, but things got worse. Now he and I are both at our breaking point, too much has gone on between us to ignore. Now I have to leave half my things behind, and start again in Ottawa. I've started this blog in order to keep track of my progress and my motivation going.

2011-03-07T14:26:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

It's been a long time, it's also been a hectic year, so much has happened!

• I managed to get over Alex, were on friendly terms now.

• I ruined my relationship with Chris, he moved on it was hard at first but it gets easier everyday.

• I moved to the Netherlands for 9 months for this guy I met in Malaysia, it started off great but things got horrible fast so I moved back home.

• My Grandpa died...

• I have to start life from scratch again

• I've learned a lot about myself, I've grown up so much.

• I have some great people around me, and I've learned to appreciate them.

2010-02-16T19:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

I hate it when you look back and then you realize you made an ass out of yourself.

2010-02-16T07:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

"The truth doesn't always come like as a shiny bluebird on someones shoulder."

funny, I heard that while watching this reality TV show called "The city" the other day. So true.

2010-02-16T07:55:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a weird dream, so many strange events and circumstances. When am I going to wake up?

2010-02-13T08:17:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,
I'm officially putting away any Alex hope. I was thinking of writing him when I got to Australia and he was close, but forget it. I finally looked at his facebook today for the fist time in over two months...I didn't want to see that he was in a relationship pictures or anything. Then I was relieved not really to find anything, I thought maybe he was single again. Then this morning I looked at his profile and I saw that he had written on somebody else's wall and I won't e-write what was written but it was clear he was seeing someone else although she looked to be mainly overseas o something. Of course she was Asian, cause he's obsessed with Asian chicks.
My heart definitely sunk...maybe that was the kick I needed to let it all go.

I've slowly been moving on, but I guess this is pudding my foot to the gas. I think I'm going to be ready to re-commit to Chris sometime soon. With him I can have it all, the house, car, ring...and I also don't have to worry about some random loser breaking my heart.

2010-02-10T14:57:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

One of my dreams is finally going to come true, I have a stop in Santorini next month on my little world adventure. I can't wait, it looks like heaven on earth.

Also, why are people so nosy Liam? No respect for privacy? Just immense curiosity?

We bury our sins, we wash them clean - mystic river

2010-02-10T06:16:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

"We bury our sins, we wash them clean"

Interesting tag line from the movie Mystic River, I just finished watching it and reading the book. I can relate to it from the things that have happened in my past, there buried so deep you forget about them.

2010-02-10T05:59:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

I quit work...I did it.
I've been dreading doing it, I was nervous and nearly shaking but I got it done.

Another thing for the big move crossed off my list, things are really coming together.

Anyway...I was thinking today of an old manager I use to have when I worked in Australia a while back. She use to force us to say hello and goodbye everyday, she said it was part of "making a better team", I hated it because I felt like it was something that should come natural not something that is forced. I hate being forced to do things, nothing puts me off more.
I guess that's why I never feel like saying "hello" and "goodbye" here to people I don't like to begin with anyway. There's often a back story to most things in life.

2010-02-08T16:52:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,
Getting my last bit of winter in before I leave Ottawa, time is going by so fast.
Quitting work tomorrow, and putting in my two weeks notice...I'm so nervous.
Everything is nearly ready. I hope I can still feel as close to you as I do now all the way in Australia.

2010-02-08T12:25:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

Ashlee Simpson - Unreachable

Just like an angel your gonna make me fly

into your arms your wrappin me up so tight

you had me crawlin so bad

got me heels over head

you got me easy, you got me easy

tangled up in my head

quit tryin to hold and to help me

cause we're already beautiful

so don't make me cry (don't make me cry)

cause this love don't feel so right (this love don't feel right)

you can't push a river

you can't make me fall

but you can make me unreachable

i may be sweet but i'm still on the vine

you couldn't wait

no you had to take your bite

you had me crawlin so bad

had me heels over head

you had me easy, you had me easy

its too late to go back

to realize what we had

we were already beautiful

so don't make me cry (don't make me cry)

cause this love don't feel so right (this love don't feel right)

you can't push a river

you can't make me fall

but you can make me unreachable

sometimes love is addiction

sometimes it hurts like hell

and sometimes you just can't get enough

you can't make me love you anymore than i do

but you can make me unreachable

don't make me cry (don't make me cry)

cause this love don't feel right (this love don't feel right)

you can't push a river

you can't make me fall

but you can make me...

so don't make me cry (don't make me cry)

cause this love don't feel so right (this love don't feel right)

you can't push a river

you can't make me fall

but you can make me... Unreachable

2010-02-07T08:21:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

This Rihanna song reminds me of my relationship with Alex....what was...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YtIyjCZLt6g

2010-02-06T21:17:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,
I'm not sure if when you were alive you were ever into photography, but it's definitely developing into a passion of mine now. I've always loved taking pictures, but the last year or so I've been taking it a lot more seriously. Here is some fun I had with sparklers with my friend Alison the other day.

2010-02-06T21:12:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

I hate it when people are consistently late.
I was suppose to meet up with a friend of mine today but after an hour I decided fuck it and went home.
I need to start looking after myself and not catering to other people.
There's nothing appealing about freezing your but off outside when it's -15 waiting for someone.
You're able to get to work on time everyday, why can't you make it on time for other things?
My time is valuable too.
Stupid jerk.

As for Devyn, he's also proved to be a flaky jerk. I'm done with him.

2010-02-06T21:09:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

I sent Alex a fake text message today, like I meant to text someone else. Not sure why I did it, looking back it probably wasn't the brightest idea.

2010-02-06T21:07:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

I passed, I'm legal to drive. It's about time.

2010-02-04T10:32:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

I have my driving test tomorrow, I'm preparing myself for when the examiner says "you've failed". I can't believe I'm 25th without a license...

2010-02-04T07:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

I watched one of my favorite movies Vicky Christina Barcelona last night. The concept of a 3 person relationship, in the movie's case a man and two women is definitely an interesting one.
Would I ever do something like this? Sure I mean if it works I'd try anything once. I mean it's possible that 3 people can balance each other out more then 2 right? That way you get both your needs satisfied on each side.
I definitely find myself drawn to Scarlett Johansson's character Christina, the free spirit, artistic ever evolving girl that she is. Although I would try the relationship she had with Juan Antonio and Maria Elena, I doubt that something like this would work long term.
I do admire (and am jealous) the passion that Juan Antonio had in which he would make love to Christina.

Quotes:

"If you don't start undressing me soon this is going to turn into a panel discussion"

"No, no, no, no, I'm not. The trick is to enjoy life, accepting it has no meaning whatsoever"

2010-02-02T10:18:00.001-08:00

020210

Dear Liam,

I love the rush you get the first time you kiss someone...even though you've probably had a thousand kisses there's nothing like like the unfamiliar.

I remember the crush I had on you in elementary school, I would have done anything for one of your kisses then.

2010-02-02T10:12:00.001-08:00

Dear Liam,

I guess it's safe to say everyone has one of those moments where they wonder, what have I done to my life? I guess I'm having one now.
If people could go back in time what percentage of their lives do you think they would want to re-do? I think mine would stand at around 65-70%.

2010-02-02T05:36:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

After I deleted Devyn from my facebook he left a message on my other friends wall that was there that night when we met asking if we could all get together this weekend. I don't get it, first he ignores me, now he wants us all to get together? I don't understand men.
I don't like Devyn in a relationship sort of way, I just want to hook up with him cause he looks like Tom Cruise. lol

One more week till I quit work...I'm nervous about it.
I still have so much planning to do for my "around the world" trip in a few weeks. Who knew the Greek ferry system was so complicated?

I'm still beyond excited about Mandy coming to see me in Australia in June. I love sowing people around new places and taking lots of pictures.

2010-02-01T18:36:00.000-08:00

010210

Dear Liam,

I'll never stop loving airports and flying. Stress & excitment = freedom.

Pictures from Los Angeles, December 2009

2010-02-01T13:12:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

Some words

take as much time as you need to deal
I won't be waiting
stop picking me up just to throw me down
yeah it's you i hate
I'm trembling
I'm blacking out
nowhere for you to catch me

2010-01-28T11:31:00.000-08:00

280110

Dear Liam,

Are people really capable of change? What if they had a lot of qualities that they disliked like making people feel bad about themselves, teasing them, bullying them putting others down. Can that be forgiven? Should it be forgiven. I think of my childhood and when we were in elementary together and how badly I was treated and how I never wanted anything do to with those people again, and so far I've held up to that. Now I'm in a similar situation at work. I hated my team leader since day one, she was all those qualities I could not stand, but now she seems to be putting in an effort to be nice. Maybe it's because she sees how much I dislike her and how much better I get along with the others. I guess I shouldn't worry...only a month and a bit to go till I quit and move away. Back to travelling, back to Australia.

2010-01-28T08:18:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

I miss the sun, the warmth against my skin.
I deleted Devyn from my facebook, it felt empowering.

2010-01-27T19:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

The latest:

Dieting is hard.

Trying to finish my itinerary and research for my trip.

Mandy is coming to visit me when I get back to Australia, can't wait.

I wish this athletes foot would go away, the creme seems to be helping...slowly.

I wish I wasn't so tired all the time.

Finger picking on my guitar is a challenge.

2010-01-26T10:11:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

A paragraph from the book Mystic River:

"He felt the numbness in his face turn into a sting, but it wasn't the pain that bothered him.Pain had never bothered him all that much, and he never cried from it, not even when he crashed his bike and sliced his ankle open on the pedal as he fell and it had taken several stitches to close. It was a range of emotions he could feel pouring from the boys in the bathroom that cut into him. Hate, disgust, anger, contempt. All directed at him. He didn't understand why. He never bothered anyone in his whole life. Yet they hated him. And the hate made him feel orphaned. It made him feel Putrid and guilty and tiny. And he wept because he didn't want to feel that way."

2010-01-26T06:29:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

I wish I had a body like Miranda Kerr, she makes me not want to eat anything. lol

2010-01-26T06:26:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

It's not easy being me.

2010-01-26T06:25:00.001-08:00

Dear Liam,

I had a dream about Todd yesterday...
It's like we were at work, but the area didn't seem quite the same. And then there was some sort of party and he took me out for a spin on the dance floor. We were flirting a lot, that's about as far as the dream got.

2010-01-25T14:05:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

I don't often look at my facebook invitations asking me to join groups etc...but all of a sudden I saw this one from you asking me to join causes. This is all that's left of you for me on facebook, or that you were ever really on there since your account was removed. First, this proves what a great person you were and second...how could I have not have noticed this before? I know I don't check on it, but in all these months I'm sure I've browsed my requests now and then. Could you be sending me a sign?

2010-01-24T07:50:00.000-08:00

240110

Dear Liam,

So after all that flirting ad saying he wants me I never heard from Devyn.

WTF is up with men? Why bother? It's not like I had plans to fall for him, but I hate feeling slightly rejected. There might be other things going on, but whatever.

2010-01-24T07:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

Time goes fast...Like smoke through a keyhole.

I like that expression.

2010-01-22T19:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

I liked the feeling of being alone, no one to make me feel down...to want the cracks in the street to just swallow me whole.

2010-01-22T19:19:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

I'm trying to save money...

but being in a mall is like being in a mental war zone.

2010-01-22T17:24:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

Pictures I took when I was at the zoo in Australia last month.

2010-01-21T08:24:00.001-08:00

210110

Dear Liam,

I think i have athletes foot on my hands & feet it's gross an it hurts. The winter weather is making it worse, I guess I'll visit the doctors today.

Apart from that not too much news besides what you already know. Looking forward to Saturday, hope Devyn comes out like he said he would ;)

I almost visited Alex's facebook the other day, but I closed the page before it could fully load.
I haven't looked since he told me he was seeing someone else. I wonder if he's still with her, what is he going to do now that the time at his job is nearly up? If he thinks of me at all...
I think of dumb ways to get in touch with him like accidentally calling or texting him...but is it really worth it? It's hard not to give in.

2010-01-19T12:38:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

Todd keeps messing with my head, I hate him. Fuck him.

I also got rejected for a bank loan today because I have no assets, and slow visa payment. What's that suppose to mean? I was pretty sure I paid it on time every month. Fuck you too visa.

Ugh Financial issues....

Update: Todd is forgiven, we finally went out for our cigarette break. lol
I still would fuck him in an instant.

2010-01-18T18:58:00.000-08:00

180110

Dear Liam,

I've got my driver's license test next Monday, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to fail.

2010-01-18T06:53:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

Please come back.

Car accidents suck.

2010-01-18T06:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

I went to this Karaoke place in China town on Saturday with some friends and I ended up meeting these two guys. They were both my age and cute, one of them was this really chilled relaxed guy who did theater his friend seemed like he wouldn't be as into me, but then he started texting me.
He looks like a hipster version of Tom Cruise. Of course I'm keeping my word not to fall for anyone or take anyone seriously, but I think hooking up with him is in the cards as were all suppose to hang next Saturday. He'll be the first guy I've been with since Alex (not counting Chris and it's a nice welcome distraction. He's so hot...!!

2010-01-16T14:05:00.001-08:00

160110

Dear Liam,

You would be shocked at the situation in Haiti right now, and I'm sure if you had the opportunity you would want to go down there and help.
I'd fly down there now, but with all the chaos and the airport/port being congested it's nearly impossible.

2010-01-15T11:37:00.000-08:00

150110

Dear Liam.

And suddenly he's nice to me again...I can't keep up with his mood swings.
Did you ever have this sort of problem with girls Liam? Or were they instantly attracted to your charm?

2010-01-15T10:51:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

"I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue" - Apologize, One Republic

2010-01-15T09:31:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

I heard on Oprah yesterday that if someone is interested in you, they will ask you questions about yourself, get to know you, but if it's one sided then well...
Looking back, a lot of my conversations have been one sided, does no one care to get to know me? What am I doing to put people off?

2010-01-15T09:27:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

Todd ignores me now, I don't know what I've done.
What's wrong with men? Maybe Chris is the only one for me afterall.

I've also decided to do a list of things I disliked about Alex:

- He's impatient
- He's too cocky
- Often times he only thinks of himself
- He's CHEAP
- He can be insensitive
- He's average looking (ok but great bod)
- He dumped me like a hot potato

2010-01-14T07:25:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

I saw a really cool band called Clues yesterday. I had seen them previously in Toronto and was blown away. Not sure if you knew then when you were alive, but their music is magical and the lead singer isn't too bad himself.

2010-01-12T10:53:00.000-08:00

120110

Dear Liam,

I dyed my hair vibrant black, I love it. I hope the color doesn't fade back to it's dullness.

2010-01-12T10:07:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

In my day dream he would say, let's go out for a cigarette...I rarely smoked, but for him it didn't matter.
We would talk and he would tell me all his problems. We'd become even closer, he's flirt with me...we'd share our first kiss and it would lead to more. He would make love to me with a hunger that was beyond comprehension.

In my dream...

Well I'd settle for just a cigarette & chat.
There he goes, not bothering to invite me as previously suggested.

Why bother with men? They seem to be the vain of my existence.

Why does he bore into my eyes everytime I'm near him?

2010-01-08T13:00:00.001-08:00

080110

Dear Liam,

You know I use to have a crush on you...you were in 7th grade and I was in 8th grade.
I never thought your life would be so short.

2010-01-08T12:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

More randomness...

walking away from something dead

leave me in the ocean

let me rust

I slur a plea under my breath begging you to stay

wish i could love you a little less then before

It's not right, you acted like you cared

Let's go back to the beginning

If only you knew my pain

Totured memories of us

2010-01-08T07:19:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

Last summer I was painfully attracted to someone (painfully!) with a disgusting personality and I allowed him to enter my life and tare it apart. How could I be so blind? How could I let this person walk all over me like I didn't matter?

2010-01-08T07:08:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

I feel like I can see my life flash before me when I hear this song...the lyrics...the melody.

Color Blind
by the Counting Crows:

I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready (repeat 3 times)
I am taffy stuck and tongue tied
Stutter shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready (repeat 3 times)
I am fine
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded and unfolded and unfolding
I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready (repeat 3 times)
I am fine (repeat 3 times)

I wonder what was going through your mind before you crashed Liam?

2010-01-07T18:54:00.000-08:00

070110

Dear Liam,

I was in Los Angeles over the weekend on the way back from Australia. I thought you might enjoy this, or maybe that you were there in spirit.

2010-01-07T11:49:00.001-08:00

Dear Liam,

Todd just looked at me and smile, I'm looking at him right now.
Oh God I want him!

2010-01-07T11:47:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

Some words...

--------------------------

I'm the one who loves you

I've done it again

now you've got me writing love songs

now I'm hurt again

give me some sympathy

2010-01-07T11:46:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

I care for Chris so much it hurts, I just wish I was entirely convinced we were right for each other.
There's no doubt if we did get married he's be the best husband ever, but is total dedication from someone enough? It's like he's been put on this earth to serve me, I want someone who can challenge me, who's a bit more of an individual.

2010-01-07T11:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam

I still think of Alex everyday...it's getting easier though.
I can't wait for my big trip in March so that I can forget about him.

2010-01-07T11:43:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

I caught my myself having sexual thoughts about my work colleague...
Oh I want him so badly...I think he might feel the same, but I can't tell for certain.
He's 40...but he's so hot.

If only he didn't have a girlfriend, though I'm not convinced he's completely the monogamous type.

2010-01-04T22:31:00.000-08:00

040110

Dear Liam,

Sometimes the anxiety is so bad I wish death would come and swallow me whole.

2010-01-04T11:55:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

I was reminded today why I wouldn't be sorry to quit this job.

"did you even bother to read it"...um...no...but do you have to say it like that? Do you have to be such a rude bitch? Now I'm expected to contribute 10$ of my hard earned money listening to you yap all day on a wedding gift? I don't know why anyone would want to marry you, all you do is put people down to make yourself feel better.

2009-12-13T14:34:00.000-08:00

131209

Dear Liam

3 more sleeps till Chris and I are off to Australia. The weather has dropped so much the last week, winter has arrived with a vengeance. Who whole country has been storming. It will be nice to get some sunshine, though I think it will be unbearably warm for me. I guess you can't be happy with both extremes. Wish it was spring forever.

2009-12-13T14:28:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

My new goal is to live as simply as possible and to part with as much material stuff as possible.
Since I was a kid I was what they call a 'pack rat' I use to carry my stuff with me everywhere. In my adulthood and with the kind of lifestyle that I lead I've found this to be a very stressful situation. Doing this clean up has been so liberating!

2009-12-09T04:24:00.000-08:00

091209

Dear Liam,

I picked a fight with Chris a day ago, I probably was a bit more irritable because of the trauma over the weekend. It was so unnecessary, and he's being so sweet to me. I've never met a man so perfect, but why don't we have the spark I need to make it work? The only time I feel that spark is if I'm away from him for long periods, then it becomes the same....

2009-12-08T19:31:00.000-08:00

081209

Dear Liam,

I have this sunset as my desktop picture isn't it beautiful? I'm sure you saw some amazing ones when you were in Africa a couple years ago. I'm glad you got to experience that...

Jen

2009-12-08T19:29:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

I had a wonderful dinner today with an old friend. Although it's always a little awkward because I know he wants to have sex with me. I use to have a big crush on him when I was younger, but he didn't want me then. I guess I just feel a bit awkward about it now, plus I'm not as attracted to him as I use to be since he's gained some weight. I am glad to still have him in my life, it's hard to have a good set of friends you can rely on these days.

2009-12-08T08:46:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

My boss is making me switch desks, this is the fourth time I've had to move since I've been at this job and it annoys me to no end.I know have to sit next to my team leader in a busy and loud area, it's so frustrating. It's bad enough I have to move, but I have to sit in that awful space? The only reason I'm baring is, is knowing that I will be quitting soon. Just two months and a couple of weeks left of this insanity. Why do I always have to get the bad end of the stick?

2009-12-08T05:58:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

My older colleague flirts with me a lot and I like it. I'm training him today and I'm kind of excited about it. Anything to get my mind of you know who.

2009-12-08T05:53:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

I've survived another day, you can't really say lived when your just going through the motions. Today was the first day of real snow, and it came quite late this year.One of the benefits about being depressed is not eating much, maybe that will get me closer to being supermodel skinny, but I doubt it. I've definitely learned my love lesson this time, I though I learned it before but this time my heart is truly surrounded by four walls. The hole in my heart is there and sometimes it burns at the edges. I'm going to see this boy called Andre when I'm in Melbourne, I also met him in Morocco. When I think of him the burning around the hole in my heart seems to subside and I feel a bit better. I was relieved this morning to wake up to thoughts about Andre rather then the pain Alex had left with his bow and arrow. I don't expect anything with Andre, but his slight presence in my life makes me feel better.

2009-12-08T05:52:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

Sometimes it's hard to breathe...I was walking through the mall today, looking at people's faces trying to imagine what kind of day they were having, what they were going through but the only expression I could be sure of was mine, and that was sorrow. Misery was all around me and all of a sudden I was keeping it company. I felt stupid for putting myself in this kind of situation again, I want the days to go by so that I can heal.

2009-12-08T05:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

I survived the night, not with torment. Woke up this morning trying to repress my thoughts of him by thinking about other things pizza, work, trips...anything. I'm finding it difficult, but I know with time it will get better. We are starting to pack up the apartment already for the big move...the better organized we are the better as we are shipping boxes. Brings back memories to when I did this the other way around when I left Australia to come here. I'm going to miss this apartment, only because it was my first real place of my own. I'm excited to end up back in Australia and all it's distractions. I've also booked my around the world flight his morning, I figured it would be a nice distraction.

2009-12-08T05:49:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

So I was feeling pretty emotional when I wrote you this morning...it was a rough morning...waking up to being dumped for someone else.The day was tough too...tried to keep images out of my mind, as I still am now. But then, I started feeling better a sense of relief.All the impending doom that I've been expecting from this situation was finally done and over with. Maybe I was expecting it and dreading it all along? I started feeling good that I could finally focus on other things and move on with my life, that's all I wanted. I'm just mad that he let it drag on for so long, like he was keeping me as an option till the last minute when he could not get out of it, it's sick but I'm not dwelling on it.I'm feeling better...not sure how long this feeling will last but now I can finally move on from the whole debacle!

2009-12-08T05:46:00.000-08:00

Dear Liam,

Heart break can be a strange emotion especially when you feel it coming.So after two months of having Alex partially ignore me, he finally came out with it and told me he was seeing someone else. I kind of expected that twist but I had tried hard not to think of it, now his change and behaviour all makes sense. I had to delete the message he sent me right away I couldn't bare to look at it. I guess I won't be seeing him again, ever. I jumped in the shower, cried over all the time I invested in this, but I'm glad it's done before I turn 25 in a couple of weeks that' a fresh start. Also cried over everything I put Chris though when all he wants to do is be with me, I felt horrible that I had everything in front of me but I wasn't willing to take it. I feel a mix of emotions, but I'm trying not to give into them, I'm a bit calmer now but today is going to be a hard day. At least now I can move on...can't believe he kept me in limbo all this time...like I'm some sort of option feeding his ego, it's sick. I haven't cried this much over a guy in years, I told all my good friends about him!